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What do you miss?

I have been physically down. My husband injured his knee running, and now we can’t play tennis. Before the COVID-19 shutdown in Toronto, our Jiu Jitsu dojo shut down as a precaution, knowing that rolling around with people in such close proximity was a recipe for everyone to get sick. Especially since we know now that many people can spread the disease when they are asymptomatic.

I have also been mentally down. Constantly anxious, and becoming anxious out of no where sometimes. I know a lot of it has to do with the high expectations that I place on myself. No one is perfect, but when I make mistakes, it really bothers me.

On this date last year we had a jiu jitsu tournament and a memory popped up on my social media to let me know. Man that was an exhilarating day! I miss being on the mats. I miss training. I miss the mental therapy that jiu jitsu gives you. You learn how to breathe. How to breathe when you are under pressure, and how to remain calm. It digs deep into your sympathetic nervous system where your fight or flight reactions live, and you learn to not panic. I miss the physical fitness that jiu jitsu provides, both cardiovascular and strength training.

I was playing around with some home workouts at the beginning of this pandemic shutdown, but reinjured my neck and basically stopped. We did a few rounds of tennis before hubby said he can’t. I went for a run, once, but I have zero motivation. I’m not eating well, and I feel weak.

I just can’t find the motivation to get moving again! I can barely do five pushups, when I used to do 30.

I have a lot on my plate. A lot on my mind. Of course, you know about the whole TTC journey. We’re getting close to going for IVF and we have our protocol meeting scheduled for next week. I had a mental block yesterday because I was on one of the TTC groups and someone had mentioned the waitlist for some clinics as being shorter for the OHIP funded cycles. Why I can’t be patient about this situation? I guess because it is out of my control.

It’s also because I want to move back home to BC. I have been looking at real estate out there. I have been in contact with my realtor here, and one that my sister is using out there. I have been in touch with a veterinary clinic manager and director, and I‘m eager and impatient and want to move now!

Sometimes my nieces tell my sister that they miss me. That makes it harder too. I wanted to be close to them, the whole reason I moved out to Ontario was so that I could be the cool auntie that lived close by and spend time with them.

My husband has been very understanding. He knows that we can make the life that we want. We are very fortunate that we both have great careers. This morning he says, just think about when we wake up in the morning with a view of the mountains. ahhh...

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